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I can’t believe I’m leaving already! Knowing I’m leaving tomorrow has really forced me to think about my relationship with Colin and what will happen when I get home. His deal got pushed back again, as I mentioned in the previous post, so I know not to expect much attention at all from him when I get back.
There have been a few things that bother me though. Like, I have to ask for a kiss when he leaves in the mornings or he’ll literally just walk out the door with a “see you later!”. Or when he sees me, he doesn’t lean in for a hello kiss – even at the airport when he picked me up, he just gave me a hug. What’s that about?? I get it if people aren’t into PDA – but I’m not expecting to make out with him in front of people (ew), just a hello peck on the lips. Is that too much to ask?
And then I feel like that boils down to “Why isn’t he proud to show the world that I’m his gf”? I dunno though, am I overreacting?
Plus it’s totally sucked that the only day we actually got to spend together was Sunday – I feel like I’ve spent more time with Little Miss Matchmaker than I have with him! (If you don’t count hours spent sleeping, which I don’t.) He’s been asking what I wanna do tonight and I mentioned that some friends wanted me to go out clubbing but that I didn’t really feel like it since I’d rather spend my time with him (he doesn’t like clubbing, and clubbing isn’t exactly conducive to conversations or quality time together anyway), and he was just kinda like “hm”. Shouldn’t it be him planning something to do together for our last night together until if he comes back in summer? Or shouldn’t he say things like “I want to spend time with you tonight, we can do whatever you want to do” – cause when he says I should go clubbing I feel like that means he’d be at home doing laundry or something.
Also, I had lunch with a mutual friend (the one that lives in the same building as him) and she was like “It’s so weird to think that you’re with Colin” and I looked at her and was like “Is that because I’m the way better catch?” and she laughed and said yes! haha But seriously – this is a really good friend of mine, and the fact that she said that just made me think again…
When it comes down to it though, I really love him, but I’m no masochist…the tricky part is figuring out whether if his job weren’t so time consuming or something that constantly puts him in a bad mood, would he still behave the way he does now? I mean…where do I draw the line? It’s all gray area here, and I wish it were just black and white…
All I’d been waiting for, was for you to consider
the distance between us, physically, then
emotionally. I thought stepping away for a while
would do the trick, would make you miss me. But all it was, was me
waiting tortuously for a phone call, an email, anything
to indicate that you cared; waiting for something to break the silence magnified
by each and every
mile of distance between us.
How foolish I’ve been.
I, who made it too easy for you, practically
begging you to
take me for granted.
I became the person I wanted you to be:
affectionate, thoughtful, sweet for no reason,
and always,
always loving.
(It’s really too bad I can’t date myself.)
I owe myself an apology
for the way I failed me.
“I’m sorry,” I whisper. “No more,
no more.”
© Copyright Clueless Cat @ http://twentysomethingandclueless.blogspot.com
3WW Words: apology, consider, distant (I took the liberty of using ‘distance’ instead…)
That was the only line in my email to BF earlier this evening. He wrote me back when he got up saying he isn’t(“!!!”) but that he was busy helping his friend move out of his place this weekend and hadn’t had a chance to email, and was working as well, then blah blah blah whatever he did on the weekend. Then he had the nerve to ask why I think he’s breaking up with me!!!!
So I wrote back, being somewhat friendly, then saying that he wouldn’t have known if I had died from a fever cause he didn’t even call to see if I was ok (he knew I was sick, emailed him a one liner telling him that), and then at the end wrote “you haven’t noticed that we haven’t spoken to each other (literally) for a week, have you?”
So he called. Obvs. And I started trying to explain where I’m coming from, using bits of He’s Just Not That Into You, bits from my entry Where is the love? and he was incredulous that because we hadn’t spoken/had contact for a few days I thought he was breaking up with me!
This is LONG DISTANCE, honey. Everything is magnified tenfold, at least. Webcams take the place of real dates, phone conversations substitute real, organic conversations, or even comfortable silences, in person. There aren’t any physical moments to keep anything going – every word (or silence) means a lot more than it does in real life.
His side of the conversation was mostly silent. He really had NO idea that I’d been feeling any of what I was feeling the past few days. Well, now he does.
So now what? Now, I’m going to continue to not call him. He can call me when he wants to talk; in fact, he already emailed me after being on the phone and said that he hopes to get off work early so he can call me (time diff’s a bitch.). I’m also going to continue to find something else to think about, so that this won’t happen again, or if it does, I can be indifferent to it. I’ll continue to look forward to my visit (we REALLY need this visit, as you can all probably tell…), and I’m just going to carry on and try to be…normal. (But still totally awesome. 
teehee!)
Phew. I’m just glad I got it out there. Feels so much better to have all that off my chest, let the BF carry some of the emotional burden now. I feel so much lighter. 
He better know how to make it up to me, is all I can say!! (FYI: all it takes is him being sweet, thoughtful, and attentive, on the streets and between the sheets…when I’m there, of course!)
Stop noisy words—
I crave silence.
Each word spoken, uttered, spilled onto an email or letter
joined up would cover the 8061 miles
stretched between us.
Back to basics:
you and me, Us
Unplugged.
Stripped down we are, have been:
fingers intertwining
limbs wrapping, bodies molding into each other.
Dreams of the future seem so far away, but
“We also have to remember the now,
and the now is the fact that I love you
from halfway around the world, at 2:42am,
I
Am
Loving you.
No more ‘I wish this, if we were together that’…
I love you, right now, in this moment.”
And with those words
I have nothing left to say;
I am in awe, rendered wordless, at the power
of your love
and the words that convey it.
I love you too.
No more words are needed.
© Copyright Clueless Cat (& Colin) @ http://twentysomethingandclueless.blogspot.com 2008
Context of this poem: this poem was suddenly inspired by an email Colin sent me a couple hours ago. Lately we have been frustrated because of the time difference and his suddenly very hectic work schedule, we don’t get to talk as much, and even when we do, we’re both so sick of talking talking talking, and writing writing writing – but when you’re long distance, that’s all you have. So I sent him an email saying that I missed just being with him and NOT talking, but rather just feeling his presence. The quoted section is an excerpt of his email; the bit about our fingers intertwining and us wrapped up in each other is something he mentioned also, although I did not quote it directly. Also inspired by him: the past/future/present theme. So, essentially, we wrote a poem. Together.
In an attempt to keep up my poetry, I’ve started checking out blogs that give out prompts on a regular basis. This is my first attempt at a 3 Word Wednesday (3WW).
Tomorrow
My breath catches, heartbeats scatter
at the thought of what a far away tomorrow may bring:
you and me
breathing as one
scattered minds coming together…
tomorrow, tomorrow.
Words: breath, scattered, tomorrow
I wake up to your voice, low and scratchy from sleep:
“good morning”. Sleepily I close my eyes again,
waking up to another gravely
“Good morning” an hour later,
and I am happy to hear your voice, undistorted and in person.
Good morning!
On the way to work
our hands search for and clasp
each other, fingers intertwining;
my small hand gloved in your larger one.
Walking along the city streets,
our silhouettes are brightly outlined on the dirty pavement—
mine petite, yours long and lean,
the two of us against the brilliant blue sky.
Your hand squeezes mine.
A hug goodbye:
I bury my face in your chest,
deeply inhaling the smell of you-
fresh and clean, better than laundry right out of the dryer.
I want to bottle it up and keep it for whenever I miss you
(which is a lot these days).
You plant a kiss on my lips
with your sweet and succulent lips.
I could suck on them forever,
gently biting your bottom lip like a slice of orange—
but we must separate for now, until the work day is over.
I hope you mean it when you say
you will never run out of kisses for me.
The end of the day:
the phone rings, it’s you,
calling to arrange dinner at your place:
“we’re cooking.”
My heart quickens at the sight of you opening the door,
strong and tall in the doorframe, open and welcoming me back to you
in an engulfing hug.
I want to drown in your hugs.
Dinner is a culinary delight of spaghetti Bolognese;
the aroma of cooking tomatoes fill the apartment.
Slurping spaghetti with you is just as romantic as in
Lady and the Tramp, but our soundtrack
is pre-selected by you, and not a violin-playing
Italian chef.
Curling up in bed, your kisses are my favourite dessert
(more often than not leading to second and third helpings of you,
sweet and utterly delicious).
We fall asleep, your warm body wrapped around mine
protecting me from bed monsters.
I long for the day these everyday moments
become the everyday;
when I don’t have to miss them, dream about them,
any longer.
© Clueless Cat @ http://twentysomethingandclueless.blogspot.com 2008
Disclaimer: all my poems are generally still works in progress, I am prone to editing whenever I go back to them!
I am SO EXCITED.
A couple days ago I found some seriously cheap deals that Cathay Pacific were doing for flights to London, LA, San Francisco, and New York, and last night Colin bought me a plane ticket to NYC! We discussed dates and stuff, and decided I should go over Easter so that I save some of my paid holiday days (I only get 12 vacation days a year!), so I’m going from the 20th to the 29th of March!!
Since he paid for my ticket, and we’d both been wanting to go see The Little Mermaid on Broadway (shh – pretend I didn’t tell you…haha), I bought tickets for that today, and although it was a little painful to spend US$250 on tickets, I know we’re gonna have an awesome time. We always do at shows (Plus, he just spent over US$1000 on my flights – the least I could do is treat him to a show!)
We’re also planning to meet in London and do Amsterdam and Barcelona at some point in the summer, since he’s switching jobs and has about a month off in summer, but I have until the 31st to book my London ticket at a bargain price, so that hasn’t been booked yet.
It’s so nice to have this to look forward to – when he left, we had no idea when we’d see each other again, but of course we have to take advantage of the cheap flights – it’s half price of what it would normally cost, PLUS I’d still get mileage! I LOVE CATHAY. haha
I called my grandma who lives in Cali today and she asked about Colin (my sister actually told her a couple months ago about him and how he’s really smart and treats me well and wants to fly me out to visit), and she asked if we were together yet and I said yes, and she was really happy. I also told her I was planning on going to visit him around Easter (didn’t wanna tell her straight out that it was already booked, cause I haven’t told my parents yet about him), and she approves. I think her opinion almost means more to me than my parents’ – we’ve always been close, ever since I was little.
This LDR isn’t turning out so badly…I’ll see him in like 2 1/2 months, which is totally bearable, then see him again around 3 months later…then we’ll figure something out for the holidays, and then next year this time I’m probably moving to NYC! I can’t wait! I love New York, and I love Colin…what else can I really ask for??
(2nd round of questions on Twenty Something Bloggers‘ fortnightly debate.)
It’s time for new years resolutions. What is one thing about yourself that you are definitely NOT changing?
I’ve had some hard times last year, in relation to family, my career (& finances), my friends, and my love life – basically all aspects of my life! (Again, quarterlife crisis, anyone??) I think the one thing about myself that I am keeping is my optimism.
I’ve always been quite an optimistic, happy person, and yeah ok, I wasn’t so optimistic during the last quarter of the year, but seeing how everything’s turned around so quickly has really brought it back to stay! Being jobless for so long, then suddenly being offered a job and then getting another interview (still haven’t heard back yet, btw); being single for a year and a half, and then towards then end when I was realizing that although for the most part I didn’t mind it, I was ready for a relationship again, Colin came into my life and turned it upside down and brought it right back up again, higher than I was before; even finding out who my real friends are – I have to say, everything really is ok in the end, even though this is really more the end of a beginning.
This year, I refuse to get suckered down into another “my life sucks, I’m so depressed” mode, because, as I said above, everything really does turn out fine, if not better.
If anything, I have to be an optimist now that I’m in a long distance relationship. It’s going to be tough, and being depressed about it will only make it tougher. So, dear God, I will cling on to my optimism as hard as I can, because He only knows I’ll really need it this year, if only to keep my relationship alive.
Other 20SB’s opinions:
Wow – I don’t know if the past week or so has been seriously hectic for anyone else, but I was SO BUSY. This morning I went back to work and we had an all-staff meeting, and I nearly fell asleep about 5 times – I literally had to physically hold my eyelids open – it was so hard trying to stay awake!
Anyway, in point form, major updates that happened the past week:
- Christmas Eve was amazing – I went to my friend’s boyfriend’s club’s party, with a movie theme, and I dressed up as Holly Golightly in Breakfast at Tiffany’s – my makeup artist friend was over for dinner so she did my hair just like Audrey’s and put on some thick black eyeliner and really painted on eyebrows – there were 3 other Audrey’s there, but I totally looked the best, cause no one else did the hair properly, and I had the big pearls whereas everyone else had the normal sized ones. HA.
- Colin and I are officially dating. Yep, I actually have a boyfriend again! Unfortunately, he left for NYC a few hours ago, but we both really want to give this relationship a shot, even if it is long distance.
- He told me he loves me. I actually said it first via the letter, and didn’t expect anything back at all, but on New Year’s Eve he said it to me after I had traced it down his spine with my finger.
- I think it might actually work, this LDR (long distance relationship). He’s been different since he told me he loved me – calling me quite frequently, writing me emails and sending me texts just to tell me he misses/loves/is thinking of me, all that sappy stuff people do when they’re in love. And I have faith that we can do it, even though it’ll be hard. At least I’m planning on moving to NYC next year anyway…
- I had the most amazing New Year’s Eve – Colin booked a hotel room (we both live with our parents) so after countdown and a lil bit of partying we went back to it and just lay in bed and talked and he gave me a whole speech about how I am an incredible person and that I have a depth to me that not many people see, and that I should let people see it more often. We stayed up till about 8.30, then passed out for an hour before we had to get up and go home – I got in major shit with my mom, but it was worth it. haha (Plus, luckily my mom’s mostly over it, and I think as long as I behave for the next few weeks it’ll all be good.)
Anyway, I think those are the major updates for now…will be back to blogging regularly now that I’m back into a routine.
Happy New Year everyone!! Hope it’s a great one…:)
