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For some reason, this past week has been a slightly insomniacal one (is that even the right word? What’s the adjective form of ‘insomnia’??) I haven’t been able to fall asleep before 4am, and I’d get up at around 11 still feeling tired as hell, and unable to take naps during the day.
Plus, whenever night time falls, I start thinking about him again. Him being my high school ex, who I recently discovered I’m still in love with, and who I miss constantly. You see, he doesn’t live in the same country, no no, doesn’t even live on the same continent. He lives in NY, and I live in Hong Kong, which is where we both went to school together. I’ve missed him pretty much every day since I left NY, and it’s been 6 weeks. There are another 8 to go before he arrives just in time for Christmas. And then leaves again after 10 days.
ARGH. I cannot do this. I don’t want to do this. And I’m pretty sure the feelings are mutual, or at least that he loves me as a person and a friend and that he would date me again. (He held my hand when we watched a Broadway show, and it felt like the most natural thing to happen, even though back then I didn’t realize that I am still interested in him.) And I know that I won’t be able to help myself when he comes back over Christmas and that something is going to happen, whether I want it to or not. And I do want it. But I also don’t.
I want what I know could be a beautiful partnership – we complement each other so well it’s ridiculous. He’s perfectly happy to let me take center stage and make a fool out of myself just to make him laugh, and he has shown more than willingness to look after me and what I want and be totally sweet even when he doesn’t realize it. And we have the most comfortable silences ever, just happy to hang out and content knowing we’re each right there if we need anything.
What I don’t want is a long distance relationship that requires more time and effort than a regular one, and I definitely don’t want to spend all my time missing someone and not knowing when I’ll see them next.
Sigh. Oh well…I guess what happens will happen…and in the meantime I’ll have more late nights and thoughts going through my head and constantly think about him while hoping that he’s thinking about me too.
