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So, my date with Colin went perfectly. He loved that I took him to The Nutcracker, and I also happened to get really good seats (which I didn’t remember doing, since I bought the tickets like 2 months in advance), we had a wonderful dinner, and drinks and some hookah after the show. He also loved his Christmas presents, and the rest of my poem (which I’d been emailing to him 3 lines at a time for the past 2 months, until he got the last 4 lines from me in person).
It’s so nice to have him around, I don’t know what I’m going to do when he leaves back to NY on the 2nd…but, I’m not going to think about that, because if I dwell on it I’m just going to get sad and I don’t want to be sad.
We saw each other last night and he emailed me this morning saying he missed me 
I love that.
I plan on spending as much time as possible with him until he leaves, so I may not be around for a while but I hope everyone had a lovely Christmas, and that you all have a great New Year’s!
1. The editor in chief of the magazine I interviewed for last week said my ideas were ‘very good’ and that they’re still interviewing other candidates but would let me know soon. I’m just flattered he liked my ideas! I was so nervous about submitting them. haha
2. Colin gets back in 3 days, and I cannot tell you how excited I am to see him again. At the same time, I swear that boy makes me totally schizo, but that’s another topic for another time.
3. I’ve recently realised that although I totally don’t mind being single, or at least haven’t minded it for a while, I think I’m ready for a relationship now. I actually want to be committed to someone! Shock. haha I think this is partly after seeing my sister with her boyfriend – they are totally cute together, and I kinda miss just having someone to hang out with like that. I’m even willing to be monogamous again! haha But, obviously, one cannot force that so I’ll just have to wait it out and see what happens.
4. My ex-boss got really freaked out that I was taking him to court for the money he owes me, and has already deposited the equivalent of approx. US$1250 in my account…just in time, because I didn’t realise it, but my credit card bill was higher than the money I had in savings, and when it got deducted from my account the cheque had just cleared! Phew, close call! I really have to pay better attention to my money…!
5. Ex-boss also says he’s gonna pay the remaining balance by the 27th, so I’m really hoping he follows through, cause it’s not like I really wanna go to court either. I just want what’s owed me!
6. On top of all that, ex-boss sent me a text after we discussed all this and said that he’ll make sure I get the best recommendations for future employers. I always knew he valued/liked me as an employee! I love that even after I’m involving the court and the labour department and such, he still says he’ll give me good recommendations.
7. In other, totally-not-related-to-me news, I can’t believe Britney’s little 16 year-old sister is PREGNANT! WTF! Not only that, but her mom is SUPPORTING her! Omg my mom would kill me if I were pregnant now, and I’m 23. haha It’s just sad cause lil Jamie Lynn looks so sweet and wholesome and then she goes and gets pregnant at 16…sad.
K, those are all my updates for now…get excited! Only 6 more days till Christmas!!
I was thinking about Colin today and also about how I want to move to New York, and I realized that if he moved from New York, to say, California, I wouldn’t really wanna be in New York without him…and so essentially, I’d be moving to New York for, well, him.
(Of course there is also the fact that I wanna go into publishing and for that it’s gotta be either New York or London and I don’t have a work visa for the UK, and that is a big factor, but jobs are jobs…and there’s a publishing industry in San Francisco too, even though it’s considerably smaller…)
The reason this is blog-worthy is because I never fancied myself the type of person to move somewhere for a boy. I mean, ugh, how 1950’s housewife! I broke up with a boyfriend once because I wasn’t returning to school on the East Coast and instead going to England to get my law degree, and I never looked back. Since when did I become Felicity, for God’s sake??
So what’s changed? Is it because I’m getting older now? Hell, I’m not even committed to this guy (at least not officially, if that even matters)…but I really just want to be with him, and for some reason I feel guilty about wanting to be with him so bad that I would change my plans because of him. In a way, I feel like I’ve gone…retro-feminist, if that even makes any sense.
I suppose then, what’s really changed…is me. Weird. Is that what growing up does to a person??
I can’t stop thinking about it, so I might as well blog about it, right?
Anyway, I haven’t heard from Colin since I got an email from him Friday morning, my time. The only reason this is noteworthy is because we normally manage to either email or catch each other online pretty much every day, sometimes once every two days, depending on our schedules. Usually it’s tougher on the weekends since he’s not sitting in front of his computer all day, so I guess the long weekend is typical?
I tried to NOT email him since I replied to his email on Friday, but then last night I got a bit drunk and emailed him (drunk emailing is almost as bad as drunk dialing…and it’s only almost b/c hopefully the alcohol prevents you from typing coherently), so this morning I just sent off an “ummm please ignore my email from last night…hope you’re well” email, and still nothing.
I hate myself. This is why I won’t do long distance – I end up feeling like a loser, although the last time I did long distance, the guy was super good at keeping in touch and we were practically attached to the phone/computer. But then again that was back when we were students and didn’t have to work.
Plus, then I start going over things in my head like “maybe I just imagined everything and I’m just going crazy, and none of it’s ever happened” which is, I must admit, a tad dramatic, but then I get frustrated and try to put it out of my mind but I still can’t help myself.
GRR! It’s like I’m already in a long distance relationship, and I hate it. I need to get a job, not only for the money but so I can keep myself occupied.
Sigh. I’m totally annoying myself.
I haven’t shared this with him yet. I’m not sure if I will…but still, I wanted to put it out there for anyone who’s in love to, well, appreciate, I guess, since this is downright the most honest thing I’ve written that wasn’t a journal entry:
Hi
Remember how I told you I had something to tell you a while ago? Without gushing, this is what I want to say:
I think you are truly an incredible person. No, don’t start denying it before I’ve even given you my reasons – I know you’re shy, and unwilling to think positive things about yourself, but you are incredible. You are the most generous, intelligent, most un-self-serving person I know. You are thoughtful, both in the way you care about your friends and family and in the way you are introspective. You are loving – although you say you are incapable of loving, your actions show otherwise, and that’s really all that matters.
You inspire me and you don’t even realize it. You make me want to be less shallow – I know I’m not shallow the way the stereotypical ditz is, but I’m still not as deep as I can be. You stimulate me intellectually which I love, and you also stimulate me in another way, probably completely indirectly (so far, anyway…).
And when we’re not talking, I love our silences. They’re like a comfortable gray cat stretching lazily in the sun – nothing awkward or clumsy or uncomfortable about it. Kind of like our whole relationship since it picked up again in NY. Being with you was so easy, it was so easy to be happy and just…whole. I love your company, even if we’re not talking. In fact, I crave it. There is just something so comforting and so fulfilling about just hanging out with you.
Whoever you want to be, whoever you think you already are, whoever you become…all I know is this: I love you. I’m in love with you. My heart just beat a little quicker when I wrote it out, as cheesy as that sounds, but it’s true. I love you for who are. I truly appreciate you for who you are. You make me crazy fun hyper pensive contemplative and more introspective all at once. No one else I know has ever affected me like this.
Not even talking about how you affect me, or the person I am when I’m with you, I genuinely respect you. And I can’t even say that much about a lot of the people I know.
I’m not asking you for anything, I just wanted to let you know. Who, after all, doesn’t like to be told that they’re loved?
Always,
Me. xoxo
Have you ever been in love and wished that you weren’t in love?
In this case, as I’ve mentioned in a previous post, I am (re-)in love with my high school ex, but he lives in NY and I…don’t. I haven’t told him any of this, although I’m pretty sure he’ll get an idea once he reads the whole of my poem With(out) You. I can’t wait to see him over Christmas when he comes back for the first time in 3 years, and I’ve already arranged dinner and a show for the day he arrives (although I thought he arrived the day before…but whatevs).
The thing I’m afraid though, is that once he returns to NY, I’m left in possibly a slighter worse situation than I am now. Meaning: I don’t want a long distance relationship. I’ve definitely had my share, and they’re NO fun. Sometimes I just want to hang out with him and not have to talk – how exactly do you do that long distance? Having him on the phone and not talking is definitely NOT the same thing…
I just found a comfort in being in the same room and not having to talk, each of us absorbed in whatever we were doing. Just knowing he was there was enough for me, and that kind of feeling and comfort simply can’t be found in a long distance relationship.
It already sucks that I’m even thinking about him so much I blog about it. I’ve been trying to keep my love life out of most of the posts except for the occasional poem, but evidently that isn’t really working out for me either.
Then…there’s another guy. He was my childhood sweetheart, and he recently moved back. I kinda made out with him when I was drunk Saturday night, and my friends all think he’s still interested in me. And I feel slightly guilty because I’m not entirely sure I’m interested in him. I think dating him would be a lot of fun since he’s a great guy overall and a lot of fun, but I just don’t know how compatible we really are if we were to have a real relationship. And I definitely don’t want to lead him on, because I love him like a friend for sure. I just don’t know if I could fall in love with him.
Ugh. I wish love were rational. Loving people is pretty easy – it’s the rest of it that makes it complicated.
For some reason, this past week has been a slightly insomniacal one (is that even the right word? What’s the adjective form of ‘insomnia’??) I haven’t been able to fall asleep before 4am, and I’d get up at around 11 still feeling tired as hell, and unable to take naps during the day.
Plus, whenever night time falls, I start thinking about him again. Him being my high school ex, who I recently discovered I’m still in love with, and who I miss constantly. You see, he doesn’t live in the same country, no no, doesn’t even live on the same continent. He lives in NY, and I live in Hong Kong, which is where we both went to school together. I’ve missed him pretty much every day since I left NY, and it’s been 6 weeks. There are another 8 to go before he arrives just in time for Christmas. And then leaves again after 10 days.
ARGH. I cannot do this. I don’t want to do this. And I’m pretty sure the feelings are mutual, or at least that he loves me as a person and a friend and that he would date me again. (He held my hand when we watched a Broadway show, and it felt like the most natural thing to happen, even though back then I didn’t realize that I am still interested in him.) And I know that I won’t be able to help myself when he comes back over Christmas and that something is going to happen, whether I want it to or not. And I do want it. But I also don’t.
I want what I know could be a beautiful partnership – we complement each other so well it’s ridiculous. He’s perfectly happy to let me take center stage and make a fool out of myself just to make him laugh, and he has shown more than willingness to look after me and what I want and be totally sweet even when he doesn’t realize it. And we have the most comfortable silences ever, just happy to hang out and content knowing we’re each right there if we need anything.
What I don’t want is a long distance relationship that requires more time and effort than a regular one, and I definitely don’t want to spend all my time missing someone and not knowing when I’ll see them next.
Sigh. Oh well…I guess what happens will happen…and in the meantime I’ll have more late nights and thoughts going through my head and constantly think about him while hoping that he’s thinking about me too.
The past few days I’ve had pictures from my recent NYC & San Francisco travels printed, so that I could mail them off to my friends abroad, and I’ve also handwritten 6 letters to accompany the photos. In doing so, I got a little nostalgic for the pen-and-paper days, when instead of just turning on your computer and sending of a quick email that would take 2 seconds to get to the other side of the world, people sat down and painstakingly wrote out thoughts and feelings with pen on paper.
My high school ex-boyfriend and I recently became friends again after years of sporadic contact when I was visiting in NYC, and I dug out a few letters and postcards he had written me when we were sophomores in high school. I teased him a little about the things that he had written, and he groaned, “I am never going to record anything I say anymore!“
That, I think, is the sad part. I love that I can dig out these letters and see the person’s handwriting, because so much of a letter can be told by handwriting – you can tell whether the person was happy or sad, in a rush or calm, drunk or sober, even. (The latter is evidenced by a few drunken journal entries I’ve written in the past.) It just isn’t the same thing through email or iChat or whatever chat client you use, even if you print it out and have a hardcopy.
Sometimes I wish we were still back in the day when people wrote letters willingly; these days it seems to be too much of a chore for anyone to bother (at least regularly).
Anyway. To redeem HS ex-bf, he said he’d be my pen pal, and we agreed to write a few letters – I even jokingly (or not) said I’d send him stickers. 
