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So you know how I had eye surgery last weekend? One of the people I called to ask about eye doctors was Colin, and of course he didn’t pick up his phone. He calls me back hours later, when I’m already in the cab on the way home, and I had my roommate talk to him so she told him that I was in the ER and needed to get surgery the next day.
Before my surgery on Sunday, he texts asking if I’ll be working (um hello, what part of “i need emergency eye surgery” did he NOT get?) so I just texted back saying no because I’m going through surgery soon. On Monday, he IMs me to ask about how I am and says that he’d call but he left his phone at home. I chat to him a little but my eye gets really sore so I tell him to call me later if he wants to chat, and he says he will.
I don’t hear anything from him until Friday, when he IMs me again, this time with “Hey sorry I didn’t call, I’ve been really busy at work. Hope your eye is recovering well.” The moment I read it I got really annoyed and kinda mad, and just ignored it.
What the fuck? One MAJOR pet peeve is people who pretend they care but don’t really. Like fine, you don’t have to care about me, but PLEASE don’t pretend like you do just to make yourself feel better!
On top of that, when I was talking to my BFF about it yesterday when I was at hers, she was then like “If I tell you something…will you promise not to get mad?” I was a little wary, but replied “Well, I won’t get mad at YOU”. I kinda had a feeling about what she was about to tell me, and I was right: “One of the major reasons I stopped hanging out with Colin is because he would kind of do things that someone who has a girlfriend shouldn’t do. Like, we’d hang out at his apartment or whatever and I’d get really sleepy and pass out for a little bit, and he’d massage my back and go under my bra…so when I wake up I’m like ‘Ok, I’m gonna go back downstairs’ [to her apt - they lived in the same building for a while]. And not only that, but a lot of my friends were like, ‘Why is Colin stalking you? He must like you!’ and I’d be like, ‘No, he’s dating my friend!’ and people didn’t really believe me.”
After that, I didn’t quite know what to say, since the whole confession came out after I said that even though Colin was a crappy friend, he was a good boyfriend for a while. “You’re not mad, are you?” my BFF asked me. “Not at you, don’t worry. I trust you and you’ve never given me any reason whatsoever not to!”
So as it turns out, he wasn’t a good boyfriend, and isn’t a good friend, and now just pisses me off. What my BFF told me is more embarrassing for me than anything, because clearly I trusted him when I shouldn’t have. My judgement was SO off! Ugh.
I think I may just cut him out of my life entirely. He is so not worth it. And as for the “I’ve been really busy with work” excuse, Jake Ryan has been commuting all the way to Jersey and back everyday this past week and I’ve seen him 3 times and he’s called every day. And if HE isn’t busy, then I don’t know who is. I’m sorry, but I’m not buying the work excuse anymore. What an asshole! (Colin, obviously, not Jake Ryan.) What the eff was I thinking??
So I saw Colin yesterday for the first time since he dropped me off at the airport in March. It wasn’t really totally out of the blue – we’d emailed a few times and then chatted online about me settling in and job hunting, random things going on in new york, that kind of thing. Anyway he was at work and wanted to have a smoke so I invited him over since I’m not that far away, and he came and we chilled and chatted for a bit before my roommate and I had to leave for her birthday dinner.
Later he texted just as we were leaving the West Village and heading north, so I called to see if he wanted to come have a drink with us, and he did and we ended up staying out until 4. (One plus for having him around: he pays for all my drinks. haha Although I promised I’d buy him a Long Island at Underbar when I find a job!)
It was really good to see him and be normal around him – after everything was in my head, it was nice to see that in real life we could be normal again and I don’t hate him, or have any built-up resentment towards him, and it feels like everything is finally balanced again, which is really nice. 
One more friend in New York is always a good thing, and now I feel like the whole Colin chapter is closed, a part of my life that is no longer relevant to my current relationship with him, and it’s a great relief.
I got quite drunk last night and when I got home, I got on Skype to call Parker (PBF). Unfortunately, Parker didn’t pick up, and so I called…Colin.
That’s right. After not hearing his voice for just over 4 months, after not even replying to the email he wrote me in April, I drunk dialled him last night. I blame Parker for not picking up, and Skype for making it far too convenient to call people! (The only person I used to call on Skype was Colin. Until Parker went to London for work for 6 months, and I occasionally used it to call him, so my contact list on Skype is pretty short.)
I wish I could recall more of the conversation, but all I remembered is chatting about Brooklyn (since he moved there from Manhattan a couple months ago), and then suddenly getting sad towards the end of the conversation. Luckily, I called Betty crying right after, so today I asked her what Colin and I were chatting about, so now I know a little more. Apparently he said he missed me as a friend, and was upset that I never replied to his email. I didn’t believe that he missed me though, since if he did he could have written more. And I also found out that he went to Europe this summer in between jobs. That’s about all I told Betty so it’s all that I really know…
Sigh. I debated emailing him today but decided it’s probably best to act like I never did anything. For dignity’s sake. (What I have left of it, anyway.)
The conversation was actually really good for about the first 25 mins, until we got to the end and I got sad. It was nice to be able to talk to him, I remember feeling quite happy that we were chatting, even though I know we’re not together anymore and that we won’t ever be again. I think I also told him that I wasn’t ready to be his friend which is why I never emailed.
God, I’m so annoyed I called him, but I’m actually more sad than annoyed, and the sadness is bringing back the pain of him just falling out of love with me. I don’t think I’ll be contacting him for a long while…I don’t mind seeing him if I see mutual friends, but I’m not going to call anymore. I don’t know. I do miss being friends, but it still hurts and until that hurt goes away, I don’t think I can truly be friends with him since there will also be a kind of underlying resentment that will probably come out in totally inopportune times, and I really don’t want that to happen.
I need to stop caring. And to stop feeling hurt or crying or tearing up over him, even if it is a result of too much alcohol.
Ok guys, thanks for your brutal honesty in reply to my “To Email or Not to Email” post! haha I think you were all right though, I’m not over him. This weekend was slightly emotional (possibly because I was slightly drunk) and I actually for the first time in a really long time really missed everything about him. Then again, in my drunken haze I was possibly just confusing it with missing being in a solid, intimate relationship with inside jokes, sweet emails, and smiling at the thought of him, whoever ‘he’ may be.
Anyway. One of you, (Andrea, actually) mentioned that she read an article about how exes can’t ever just be friends, because of the fact that there once was a strong attachment there with that person, and that that never fully fades away. (Or something along those lines, I’m paraphrasing!)
So, I couldn’t help but wonder…can you really honestly just be friends with an ex?
Out of my relationship past, I’m only in semi-contact with one of my exes, a guy I dated freshman year in college. He lives in the US, so we actually haven’t seen each other in a really long time, and I have no idea if we could really just be friends. We may both end up in NYC this year though, so we’ll see, I guess!
Out of my other exes, one refuses to get in touch with me (being really mature and deleting me off his myspace friends and such, even though HE HAS A GF who he started dating not too long after me and they’re still together like 3 years later, and I’m the one who’s still single!), another one from England (guitar guy) and I were friends still – not close friends, but when we hung out it wasn’t awkward or anything. It possibly helped that he got into a relationship with his current GF not long after me and now they’ve been together for like 4 years (what is with that??), one kind of dropped off the face of the earth, (well not really, he sends me invites to random photo sharing sites). And then there’s Colin (he’s the only one who’s been an ex twice, I guess, currently having the honour of having been both my first and my most recent boyfriend, bookending my entire dating history!). Other guys weren’t boyfriends, just guys I happened to date, so they don’t count.
I guess the ex-totals are:
- Total no. of exes: 5, unless you count Colin twice
- Exes where there’s no animosity: 3 (NYC guy, Freddie Ljungberg lookalike, guitar guy);
- Potentially awkward situations: 2 (Colin & other NYC guy);
- Exes who actively won’t talk to me/I won’t talk to: 2 (Colin & Lame Ass MySpace guy).
Are any of you friends with your exes? How has that worked out?
I don’t know if I can be friends with Colin. I mean…I think Princess Pointful is right, maybe I should just wait and see when I move to NYC. I can deal with that later. Anyway it’s not like he’s writing me, so maybe I’ll wait until he contacts me next, and then decide what to do, although if it’s anywhere between now and the fall, I most likely won’t write him. Unless he comes back this summer…arrghh. That’s another potentially awkward situation.
Either way, I’ve realized this weekend that I’m really not completely over him. I don’t hate him, I know I don’t want to be his GF again, but I do miss his friendship and having fun with him, and I kind of miss what we had (even if I know he’s not the one I want to have ‘it’ with, if that makes any sense).
I’m kind of dreading dating again, but that’s another topic for another post.
Speaking of dating again though, I thought Mitch was pretty smart and could take a hint when he called me twice a couple weeks ago and I didn’t pick up (one time picking up by accident, seeing his name on my screen, then snapping my cell shut!! Can’t believe I did that. LoL), and texting me that day, but I ignored him. I hadn’t heard from him since so assumed he’d gotten the hint, until Friday night when he texted me saying something along the lines of “So I take it my karaoke skills didn’t impress you much…;) Would you like to grab a drink sometime?” Um, hello, not replying to your text and not picking up your calls means I’m not interested! He even texted my friend and said I was really good at ‘playing it cool’. LoL Mate – I’m not playing anything – I’m just not into you!
They say breaking up is hard to do, but I beg to differ. Breaking up is the easy part; learning and training yourself to let go, however, is a totally different story. All the memories, the high times and the low times, the intensity of my, our feelings at certain points during our relationship – these are all the things left over from a/my/our relationship, the remnants that I try and store away in the far corner of my mind, boxed and sealed up.
Colin emailed me today, first I’ve heard from him in about 3 1/2 weeks. And I’ve really been doing fine, and this email, unlike the last one, didn’t make me tear up suddenly and catching me off guard. I mean, it did catch me off guard, simply because I wasn’t expecting to hear from him any time soon, but the emotion wasn’t quite…there.
I’m at that weird in-between stage where I’m not in love with him anymore, but I still tend to think about him at least once a day. I don’t want to still be sharing my life with him directly (ie by emailing/calling him), but I’m ok with him reading my other blog. I don’t mind hearing from him, but that doesn’t mean I want to reply or contact him back, even though I’ll probably be thinking about it every day until I actually reply (it’s in my nature, I think).
His email didn’t say a whole lot, he just sent me a link to a restaurant in NYC (The Mermaid, on the UWS, if anyone is interested), saying that he saw it ‘the other day’ and thought of me, and that he found an apt in Brooklyn, and after 3 weeks of apt hunting he feels he knows what’s going on pretty well and offered to help me find a place when I move (if I want), things like that. Nothing super exciting, yet it’s still at the point where I’m compelled to blog about it. I don’t blog about emails from my friends, so it’s a sign, I guess, that even though I’m coming along very well, I’m still not completely over him. And I’m actually ok with that. I think I’ve made awesome progress so far, and am happy to be where I am.
Still, come September, I’m pretty sure we’ll be friends again, and I’m definitely gonna take him up on the help he offered as I’m pretty sure that I’ll need as much help as I can get. I do miss being friends with him, but at the same time I know I’m definitely not ready right now. So, that’s something to look forward to, too.
I had my heart broken exactly one month ago, and I’m still alive, still happy, and emotionally pretty healthy. I’ve come a long way, baby, and I’m gonna continue moving on (up!) 
(Photo from http://weblogs.elearning.ubc.ca/ebbandflow/)
I’ve never had to apologize for who I am.
When Colin and I were breaking up, one of the things he said to me was that he “doesn’t get” my life, which was reminiscent of an email he had written me previously, when things had just begun to go downhill. He said that he doesn’t get when I talk about shopping or makeup or getting free stuff – all of which I only say in daily emails because really, what else am I meant to talk about? That’s the stuff that goes on in my life!
On New Year’s, the night we got together, he told me that he sees a deeper side to me, a side that I should let show more often than I do.
So now I feel like he fell out of love with me because he thinks I’m shallow. How annoying is that? I’m not shallow, I can’t help that the daily activities or whatever in my life are! There isn’t anything to ‘get’ about shopping or makeup or getting free stuff – it is what it is, simple as that, and I feel like I shouldn’t have to apologize for that, but at the same time I feel like I was punished because that’s how he ended up seeing me, even after everything he said on New Year’s and previously. He claims he still thinks I’m an introspective person (something that matters greatly to him), but…I don’t know.
I just feel like maybe I wasn’t enough, even though I know that’s kind of ridiculous. And although I don’t regret anything, simply because I don’t think I could or would have done things any differently, it still sucks. Simple as that.
I read an article on the New York Times website, Channeling Carrie, (LMM you would appreciate that article I think!!) and there’s a bit where the author writes:
It is sad that people think you have to choose between being intelligent, serious and thoughtful, or you get to be shallow and frivolous and enjoy beauty and fashion
and I couldn’t agree more. It IS sad. It’s sad because Colin let go of probably the best thing that will ever happen to him. It’s sad because he couldn’t understand how I can still be the introspective, serious me while having fun and partying and shopping. And it’s sad because I feel like I got punished for who I am, and also like I have to apologize for all the shallower aspects of my life.
Still, I do hold a (small) glimmer of hope that one day someone will appreciate me for everything that I am, will love me regardless of how shallow my life can be at times, maybe even appreciate the fact that I can be both shallow and deep, someone who will love me unconditionally. And then my irrational feelings about apologizing for who I am will disappear.
1. “Do you miss our kiss?”
is the message I received on Facebook today, by this guy I made out with ONCE when I was stupidly drunk last summer (and regretted it ever since). What a CREEPY thing to say to someone!!! Especially since according to facebook, he’s in a relationship, and his profile picture shows him and, I’m assuming, his girlfriend.
EWWWW. I was so grossed out! What’s with the sleaze? Where’s the respect? I swear, I’ve barely spoken to this guy but the couple times I’d seen him after that one time he kept going on about how I was the “most beautiful girl in Hong Kong” and telling random people sitting next to me that they were lucky to be sitting next to me!! Wthell is that about? I mean yes it’s flattering to a certain degree…but then it’s just creepy. EW.
What is WITH guys these days?? I was tempted to write something like “Actually, I’ve been trying to forget about it ever since”, but I’m just going to ignore him. And contemplate blocking him. lol
2. Last night at an event I went to I bumped into this guy that used to flirt with me whenever we saw each other (it never went beyond that – he’s totally not my type and plus it’s not like he ever made a move, so we really are ‘just friends’, if such a thing is possible between a male and a female…), and I told him I was moving to NYC. He immediately pouted and made a sad face and I laughed and was like “it’s not like I ever see you!” and then he was like “It’s not like I don’t want to, but my girlfriend doesn’t like you and doesn’t let me see you!” (Backstory: one night I bumped into him when I was out and apparently we were seriously flirting even though his gf was standing right there. Betty was with me and later told me that the gf looked REALLY unhappy, so I already had an inkling that she didn’t like me that much.)
That kind of amused me, actually. Especially when after that I was like “I had a feeling that she didn’t like me…but we never did anything!” And at the same time we both exclaimed, “We’re just FRIENDS!” and then laughed. LoL Oh well, not my problem. I hardly see the guy as it is! (Still, it’s kinda nice to know that even at my lowest points, girls can still feel threatened. Is that totally bitchy?? It’s not like she’s my friend…I barely even know the girl and it’s nothing personal.)
3. Colin emailed me last night to tell me that he’s paid me back, and also just wrote about apartment hunting (his lease is up next month), and how he fell in love with the west village and that he’s also gonna look around Brooklyn this weekend. At the end he wrote “How are you? How are you doing?” and after I read that tears immediately welled up in my eyes and I started crying! I hadn’t cried about him in over a week, and suddenly that one email just made the tears spill over.
Ok, so I was a tiny bit drunk after having had a little too much champagne at an event I went to, but I’d already sobered up a lot. Sigh. I wonder when he’ll stop affecting me the way he does…
I can’t express enough the amount of gratitude I have for everyone who left me the sweetest comments in the last few posts – I love you guys! I was thinking today that I wish there was something I could do for you all to show you my appreciation, but so far I haven’t come up with any ideas. But, if there is a favour I can do for you, do let me know! Until then I’ll try to think of something! (Unless you guys have an idea…!!)
Once more, thank you so much for all your support – when I first started blogging I never imagined that I’d get to ‘meet’ so many fabulous people! I can only hope one day we all get to meet up in real life (well, except LMM, since we’ve already hung out a few times love you chica!)
Anyway, just to plug myself a little bit, my latest Six Sentences have been published! It was written quite a while ago, before I even left for NYC (which is why it mentions my boyfriend and wanting to spend time with him). I have another one going up on the site Friday, so will link that later too just cause this is my blog and I get to plug myself if I want to Anyway, here’s the link: Pretending to Work on a Saturday Hope you like it!
Meanwhile, I am still kicking butt with my attitude about Colin and the breakup and everything – it’s kinda weird how fast I’m really ‘ok’ with everything. I think it helps that I really do actually feel sorry for him, in that he is unable to appreciate what a great thing he had and that I really don’t think he knows how to make himself happy (not just with relationships, but in general) – and that’s pretty sad. Still, I am looking forward to when we are friends again
This weekend is a long weekend, we get tomorrow off (yay!) so I’m really thrilled about that. Don’t have many plans yet, except karaoke with a couple friends on Friday night. haha I did, however, manage to arrange an interview (another boring watch brand) this afternoon right before another event I’m meant to attend, so I get to leave the office at 3:30-ish today – yay! heehee
Happy Thursday!
I’ve just realized that I’m actually really disappointed in him, and not in myself at all! That can only be a good thing, right?
I was very loving, and I think that’s a good thing. I was the best gf he could have asked for – I even tried to understand him when it comes to his all-consuming job towards the end, not blaming him for anything. I don’t blame myself for anything that went wrong in this relationship – it’s not my fault he (was stupid enough to) fell out of love with me – all I did was be myself the whole time, and if he doesn’t appreciate that, then eff him!
Last night I was so jet lagged that I went straight to bed when I got home from work. I was hungry, but literally didn’t have the energy to eat dinner or do anything except change into my PJs and crawl into bed. As I lay there in the dark I suddenly got sad again, and tears started welling up in my eyes again as I remembered what my colleague said to me before she left work: “Don’t cry yourself to sleep tonight!” So I stopped. And breathed. And then pretty much promptly fell asleep right after, and didn’t wake up until 8 this morning. (I LOVE that I slept 12 hours! lol)
I’ll be ok. A 5 month break from men (as much as I can control it, anyway, and let’s hope my resolve sticks) can only be a good thing. I don’t need to be breaking any hearts when I move, nor do I need mine to be broken again just cause I’m moving.
I really believe I’ll be ok. Colin was a douche, only for not recognizing what a good thing we had, what a good girlfriend he had, and not appreciating me while he had me. One day he’ll realize what a mistake he made and it’ll be too late. (Right?)
For now, I will focus on my friends and family, and on preparing for my move (SO excited!). From now on, it’s all about me, baby.
(Let’s hope this attitude sticks!!!)
I definitely had a feeling it was coming.
Friday night he made reservations to take me for a steak dinner in Tribeca, so I got dressed and ready at his place so that when he came back we could head out together. When he walked in he didn’t kiss me hello or give me a hug or anything, and I had to ask if he liked my new dress, and all I got was a yeah “yeah, it’s nice.” (I knew it looked pretty damn good on me, so wasn’t really sure what his problem was.)
We left and he didn’t hold my hand, and in the cab he didn’t reach for it either, but I just acted like everything was normal and kept up constant chatter on the way to the restaurant. Once there I kept up the conversation, asking him about plans for his life down the road, where he might move to (his lease is up in May), what he would wanna do when he retired, etc. Towards the end of dinner I stopped talking so much, and finally just looked at him and went, “Are you happy?”
“Um, what do you mean??”
“Are you happy in this relationship?”
(hesitatingly) “Well, I think things are different now.”
And from that moment, I just knew. I looked at him for two seconds then excused myself to go to the bathroom and cried, pacing in the stall and my heart just breaking, because I knew this was the end.
When I made it back we didn’t say anything to each other – he didn’t ask if I was ok, wasn’t even concerned. I knew he was uncomfortable, but still he didn’t say anything. The cab ride back was the worst. I was trying to stay silent and not just start bawling or sobbing, but I kept sniffling and tears kept falling down my face, but I had turned away from him. At one point he asked, “I mean, is it way out of line that I said that?” And I said no.
Back at his, I changed into PJs and got into bed, and then he sat on the bed and I asked very simply, “Do you still love me?” And he slowly shook his head and said no. His “reasoning” was that we were different people, but I’m like – well, DUH! And I haven’t changed in the last 3 months – I’m still the same person I was when he told me he loved me back in January. He also said he was hoping this trip would remind him of what it was like to be with me and what it was that made him so happy before.
Tears continued falling down my face as we discussed what had changed (him, pretty much – I still love(d) him, and I really don’t think I’ve changed in the last 3 months), and other aspects of our relationship. My heart was breaking in front of him and I couldn’t stop it, couldn’t save our relationship anymore, my love wasn’t enough to hold it together, wasn’t enough for him.
The toughest part is that this all happened so fast – us falling in love, deciding to bite the bullet and do long distance, and then visiting him, and then him falling out of love with me and us breaking up. I can barely wrap my head around it, and I feel like I got whiplash from this wild relationship ride.
I know I deserve better than the way he was treating me, especially at the end. I know I deserve someone who is proud to be with me, would LOVE to take pictures with me at fancy restaurants, would still hug me tight and kiss me when I met him outside his office for a break, even if his colleagues were walking by and NOT push me away (Friday afternoon), someone who wants to hold my hand all the time and make me happy and just…love me back. And be affectionate with me. I deserve all of that. And I wasn’t getting it with Colin in the end.
Of course, knowing that doesn’t make it hurt any less. I’ve been crying randomly the last 2 days – earlier I was unpacking and suddenly my heart squeezed and tears were welling up in my eyes, and just as soon as it came it was gone. On the plane, I was reading Eat, Pray, Love, and one line just made the tears spill over: I’m here. I love you. I don’t care if you need to stay up crying all night long, I will stay with you.
I confessed to my mom what happened. I didn’t want to tell her, since she hated my relationship the entire time I was in it, and didn’t want her to continue on about how stupid I was in being an open book and letting Colin know how much I loved him. But when I was eating at dinner she asked if I felt closer to him now, and I paused and then my nose turned red (which happens right before I cry), tears welled up and I told her, “Actually, we broke up. And please be nice to be about it I don’t need you to be mean to me right now.” And she was actually really nice about it, which is just what I needed.
Anyway. I know that Colin and I will be friends one day, but for now I need a hiatus from anything to do with him. I won’t be writing or calling or anything, but I did tell him he may call or email me if he needs me, and I’ll be there for him, but that I won’t be reaching out to him anytime soon.
I also know that I need to be single right now, probably until at least when I move to NYC. My gf Betty also just broke up with her boyfriend and earlier we were both crying on the phone to each other and saying how glad we are to have each other and how weird it is that we’re going through the same thing at the same time – normally it’s just one of us who is having boy problems and the other’s fine/happy.
So, I’m going to heal. I need to heal – I gave away so much of myself in my relationship with Colin that I need to reclaim all of it back, need to make myself whole again, and I definitely don’t need any boys in the picture to be messing around with that.
