Kind of a new guy?

Less messy than Jim, anyway…but basically there’s a new guy at work. He’s younger, fresh out of college I think, at least a couple years younger than me, but super cute, with big blue eyes and blonde hair. I was sitting next to him on Thursday night which is our regular office night out, and we had a good time, and the thought crossed my mind a couple times that I could very well be interested in him. Randomly, he’s a Capricorn, like Jim. And like this other guy I used to be nuts about.

Anyway on Friday a bunch of us also went out after work, and he was there as well. We shared food and whatever, and then we also all went for karaoke and we sang a duet to A Whole New World (he’s actually a really good singer – used to sing and act in school, apparently). He had to leave early to catch a train, and then he texted me a little and we were flirting a big over texts, in that really innocent way. haha So cute!

I have to admit though, my interest in the new guy is partly because I know Jim would hate it if anything happened between me and…well, anyone. And I kinda want to show him that other people want me for more than just whatever Jim wants! But aside from all that, the new guy is super cute, and isn’t in any complicated relationship drama, and my work would still be safe because anything he does doesn’t directly affect me at work and vice versa, which is good.

Well, they’re both away on a business trip this week anyway so we’ll see what happens later!! I’m so on the brink of ending things completely with Jim though – last night I went to hang out with him and his best friend (who was one of the guys I was hanging out with on Friday night), and as soon as I got there Jim texts me telling me not to tell his other girl that we hung out! Wtf. I was so annoyed. HE’S SO ANNOYING. Well, next week is all gonna be about him being out of sight, out of mind…

Retarded love triangle

Oh God. On Tuesday, the other woman asked me how the barbeque was, and because of the fact that everyone there pretty much knew that I’d spent the night at Jim’s, I just confessed but said it as nonchalantly as I could (though I could feel my face heating up as I did so!). I felt bad, but knew I’d have to just say it then because it’d be worse if she found out through somebody else and it would look like I’d had something to hide.

Later that night Jim texts me and is like “whyyy C, why? you just got me in trouble soooo not cool” (right, like it was just me that got him in trouble!) I replied matter-of-factly, saying that she would have found out eventually and anyway he was just taking care of me, and he says, “Yeah well she is freaking out. Trouble maker is your new nickname lol” I just mentioned how he should at least appreciate the irony, and he was like “irony??” and I was thinking, “dude, do I really have to spell it out for you??” since she was off spending the weekend with her boyfriend and other friends!! What, so she can go and have two boyfriends, and freaks out if he just slept with me in his bed? What right does she have? And what right does he have to blame ME for anything? I’m the one getting totally shafted in this retarded love triangle! Nothing is in my control aside from what I do myself – for anything to move in any direction favorable to me, either one of them is going to have to do something, and I can’t do anything about it.

I was really annoyed after that text exchange, and kept waking up in the middle of the night thinking about it, and woke up the next morning thinking about it. I was kinda hostile and rude to him in the office that day, and he texted me asking why I was so grumpy, and I just said I wasn’t (because I wasn’t – I just hate him.), and he said I was really rude to him in the hallway or whatever. I didn’t even dignify that. And since then I haven’t texted him (called him once, but that was related to work) or really gone out of my way to say anything to him. I barely want to even look him in the eyes.

Tonight at our weekly office outing, I was sitting in a booth surrounded by boys and it was fun, and I could sense him looking over. At one point he sat down with us and I chatted to him a little bit and told him about my apt hunting, but just kept it really cool. He left early, and that was that.

I hate thinking about this shit. I am so over it – I just wish my mind would catch up. Or my heart. Or whatever it is. Because in the end I’m the single one left feeling like my awesomeness isn’t enough to make him really want to be with me, and that he’d still rather be with a girl who already has a boyfriend. It’s so effed up. I hate it. He’s away next week so I’m kinda looking forward to not having to see him in the office everyday. I hope it’s a relief more than anything else.

Nuts

Jim drives me nuts. Yesterday was the barbeque, and I showed up a little earlier than other people (although an hour after Jim had said!), and it was all good and normal. Of course, later we were playing a drinking game and Jim sat down next to me, and also random touched my thigh the way he was doing Friday night when we were drinking. A few hours into the BBQ, there was a whole bunch of us sitting around the table in the gazebo, and it was noisy and fun and kinda nuts, and Jim comes up behind me as I’m sitting down and leans into my ear to say, “You have no idea how much I want you right now.” He walks away a bit and I’m staring at him and grinning b/c I’m drunk and I grin when drunk, but I was kinda like “What?” and he just said again, “No idea.”

Maybe another hour later I’m sitting away from the rest of the group, and he picks up my beer and takes it away, so of course I have to get up and chase him. He leads me away from the house and onto the street, and he kisses me then leads me down another alleyway next to his house. We were gone maybe half an hour, and we both kept hearing the people at the BBQ going “Where’s C? And Jim?” and I could hear people chanting my last name (they love saying it!), which was pretty funny. Jim also kept telling me how hot I am. God, it was so fun. So hot!

Even later, I am squished in between Jim and his other housemate on this little gazebo swing chair thing, and my legs are in Jim’s lap and I’m leaning against the roommate, and Jim keeps telling him how soft my skin is and is trying to make him touch my legs, and he was being kinda shy about it and I was like, “Go ahead, it’s just my leg!” haha Then Jim wouldn’t shut up about my skin, describing its softness, and squeezing my thighs. He then dares me to kiss him in front of our other coworkers, and I refuse but then he sneaks a kiss in at some point. Later this other guy we used to work with comes over, and he is kinda shady and randomly grabbed my boob. Jim got really pissed off and wouldn’t let up about it for like 15 minutes, making him apologize and going on about how wrong it was. I loved it. (Jim getting all protective, that is. Not the other dude grabbing my boob.)

Then a little while after that I am in the other dude’s room with Jim and the roommate, and I crawl into the bed and just lay there, and Jim scoops me up and puts me on his bed and closes the door. I pass out, and randomly my stupid coworkers are yelling at me through the window, and eventually saying bye, to which my boss is like “I’m going to start shit about you and Jim!” as he leaves. haha Little does he know…

Anyway Jim comes back way later, and is so drunk we just sleep. Then there was this morning. Of course. And for once I didn’t have to sneak out of the house super early since everyone knew I was in no shape to go home last night! So I actually got to sleep in a bit and didn’t have to sneak around to use the bathroom or anything, which was nice.

I spent the rest of the day with the boys – we went to the pitch and putt in Queens, and it was my first time ever playing any kind of golf. haha I sucked, but not TOO badly. haha I joked that if we had been bowling, I’d be in first place. haha

Anyway, I know this weekend was this much fun just because the other woman wasn’t around. And I also know she won’t be for the rest of the month, at least on weekends. But I still hate that I’m thinking about them. And I hate that I still feel like I’m second string, that he insisted they were dating. It’s all fun and games pretending like we’re a couple, like Friday night when we actually hung out together, just the two of us, after work and were holding hands in the city and kissing over whisky. But what else can I really honestly expect? And what actions can I take? I feel like even if I stopped all the trysts from happening, that attraction would still be there. I’d still be monitoring his actions, I’d still be attracted to him, I’d still have a good time hanging out with him. I wish there was a way to just cut off the way I was feeling about someone and bring it back to a platonic level, although honestly I don’t think there ever was a genuinely platonic relationship or what have you between us.

Argh. Why can’t my love life just be normal? I’d rather have a boring one than this, I think. And I just saw on facebook that another person from my grade in high school is married. And they’re a super cute couple. And I want that! And this is definitely not…that.

Confession

Oh God. I fell off the wagon. Friday night a bunch of us went to grab a few drinks after work, and as I went up to the bar to order mine, Jim came up to me and paid for my beer (I paid for his the day before, accidentally – so he was going on that I could stop whining about it now, haha), then he paid me a compliment, saying he really liked my outfit that day, and that it was possibly his fave out of my work outfits (I’d never worn that particular top before), and that maybe I really was Best Dressed. (Our office did superlatives this week, and he and I tied for that category!) Then he added under his breath, “and best UNdressed…” to which I just rolled my eyes and told him to stop.

Back at the table, we were sitting next to each other and he would randomly put his hands on my thigh under the table, which he has never done before. He also kept tickling me randomly and we would have pretend fights, where I’d be trying to tickle him (I heard he was super ticklish from one of his best friends…!)

Anyway, afterwards we, along with two of the other guys, decided to carry on drinking but he didn’t want to go to where the other two were going and they were walking ahead of us, so he texted them to tell them we were going somewhere else. We walked to another bar near the office, and along the way he grabbed my hand and held it, and when we were on a block with some trees, he pulled me to him and kissed me. Which of course led to a makeout session. Under the trees. In the middle of the city. I don’t remember what was said, but eventually I got him to keep going to the bar we were headed to (oh wait – I know, he was trying to convince me to go home with him that night), so we went.

At that bar we actually talked about whatever had happened, and I believe his opening line was, “C, you have no idea how often I think about you. No idea. At LEAST once a day, but usually multiple times.” And he also confessed that he was insanely attracted to me, and that the reason he’s been kind of keeping his distance is because it would drive him nuts to get to know me better, just because he knows he’d like me more and more. Which I could relate to. Like with the photography thing. He also said, “You know that one image that keeps popping up in my head…?” And I had no idea so asked him what, and he said it was the day I went to watch him and some of the guys play softball, and I was wearing what I call my mermaid dress (I LOVE that dress!), and he said I looked amazing that day, and he loved the dress. I was like “So that’s why you wouldn’t look at me?” And he corrected, “That’s why I wouldn’t look at you when you were looking!” That was also the day he later texted me telling me I looked really pretty that day. And I ignored the text, to which he called me out on the next day at work. LoL Oops.

We also talked about the other woman, and we both agreed she was a great girl, and I confessed I get a little jealous which drives me nuts and which is also why I try to keep my distance. I asked him if he was in love with her and he said no. But he insisted that they are actually dating, to which I think I made a face and said you can’t date someone who has a boyfriend, at least not really in the sense of the word!

I think I also asked him what he would do if we were both single and we were actually allowed to date our coworkers. To which he said he had no idea. He also at one point was looking at me and saying, “C, you KNOW you’re beautiful. You must know you’re hot.” I can’t remember why in the context of that conversation, but I remember it because earlier in the week at the office, we were laughing as usual about how I’m multi-ethnic (for some reason lately no one can guess what I am!), and we were with another guy coworker at the office, and Jim just said, “I just call her beautiful.” and smiled at me. Then he started teasing me for blushing. Him and the other guy. At which point I really must have been blushing, because they kept talking about it and I was getting embarrassed and really annoyed that I was reacting that way, so I just walked away.

Anyway. After that last bar where in between the conversation he and I were making out, I finally agreed to go back with him, and it was hot. God, so hot! In the morning when I was getting dressed, all I had on at that point were my panties, and he was laying down behind me and I could see in the mirror that he was watching me as I got dressed, and for some reason it was really satisfying, having him check me out in broad daylight.

Sigh. Still, there is no way this would end up good. Today a whole bunch of us from the office are going over to his place for another BBQ (they’re so much fun!), so who knows what may happen. Or not. Argh. Why can’t my love/whatever life ever be simpler?

Argh.

So I know I said I’d stay away from Jim, and I have…at least physically. But last week I was on a business trip (with the other woman!), and I didn’t hear from him for a few days till he started texting me again. When I was on my way back to the city, he was at home, and he (again) kinda randomly texted, “I keep thinking about our hook up. Is that bad” (when I was talking about a joke!!) and I just said something along the lines of “depends on how you define bad…but i have to admit I was thinking about it yesterday..” (I really shouldn’t have told him, I know. I can’t help it.) And he just said “Then I guess it’s not and I want to do it again” and I mentioned how I want to, but I don’t like sharing! He didn’t acknowledge that part, but said something about what he loved during our hookup…and then mentioned a few other details and I was thinking EFF.

Anyway, that was Friday and on Saturday night during my birthday party he called me at 1 something, but obviously I was out so I couldn’t hear him and I texted him asking what he was doing, and he said, “thinking of how I went down on you”…and I was so drunk we had a drunken text conversation, and then he texted me as I was leaving so I called him in the cab on the way home and I think we drunkenly decided that I would meet him when he got back on Wednesday afternoon. (Didn’t happen – I was working, and he obviously didn’t say anything – we were both sober Wednesday afternoon!)

Today was the first day I saw him in just over a week and a half. I still can’t help being aware of him whenever he was around. And when he isn’t. In the afternoon when everyone was in the office I could feel his eyes on me when I was talking to a new person I was training, but then again maybe I imagined it since he was talking to her.

Sigh. I can’t help it – I still want him. I’m also still gonna continue trying to stay away though…so don’t need any drama. There’s just something about him, or us, I don’t even know. ARGH. Hating myself!! Hopefully it just goes away though…

Psychic?

So I don’t know how many of you have been to NYC or lived here, but it’s not uncommon for a random person to stop you on the street and start telling you things about your life/self, and then tell you that they’re a psychic and have something important to tell you. It’s happened to me twice now, the second time being tonight when I was on my way home from buying some wine.

This lady stopped me and the first thing she says is that I have this energy, and one of the things she said to me is that I smile all the time, but inside, I am actually sad. I laughed it off at the time just because today’s been kind of a ridiculous day, and I’ve been laughing about it the whole time, but now that I’m sitting at home alone on a Friday night with a bottle of wine chilling in the fridge, I’m kind of rethinking it.

I’m not sad ALL the time, at least not consciously so, and I think a large part of that is that this year has just been really crazy for me, and now I’m happy to be working and working hard, and staying busy. And my colleagues make me laugh all the time, like this morning when something ridiculous happened and I texted my boss about it, and we were laughing about it. My life feels so full with work as it is, but it’s just after work that I’m sitting here, and it’s hard to admit outloud, or even to myself, but I do kind of want a boyfriend.

It feels almost shameful that I feel that way, especially because the majority of the time I’m perfectly happy being single, but it would be nice to be in love again. It’s been a year and a half. The psychic also told me that I’ve always given and given in relationships, and never really received what I needed (or something like that), which I guess is true in what I consider the more significant relationships in my life, or even in my current case with Jim (although I really am just kind of a bitch to him – I think it’s a defense mechanism, to be honest). Still, I miss having that one person I can count on and run to when I want to share good/bad news, or when I want a hug or a kiss or just to feel loved, you know?

Ugh, I’m such a girl. But I’ll admit it: I miss having a relationship, and being in love. <3

Boys are making me nuts (or maybe just Jim)

I can’t help thinking about Jim. Even if it’s not me lusting after him kind of thoughts. Luckily I haven’t acted on anything, but when I get home at night all I can think about is texting him! Argh, this is ridiculous.

Today at the office he was saying how I’m not funny, just mean. And I just looked at him and said, “Only to you” and then he started going on about me being hostile and ‘cold-hearted’ (all jokingly, at least I think he meant it jokingly). But the truth is when he’s in the room, I’m totally aware of where he is in relation to me. Too aware! And I feel like I don’t even want to make eye contact with him because I feel like it’s totally obvious that I like him. Or it would be, if I looked him in the eyes. Which is also why I try not to talk to him, although at the same time I mentally try to will him to come over and talk to me. ARGH!

It’s so much easier said than done to just move on. I feel like I need a new crush. Actually, speaking of crushes…Clark (the Texan I met a few months ago, who’s business partners with my uncle) is back in town! haha My uncle gave me his number and told me to call him, so I just texted him instead. It’s unlikely we’ll meet up, but oh well.

Also, I gave my phone number to this guy on a dating site (internet dating? me? yeah.) and he says he’ll call me after the wknd, but then I’m going away next week for business so we’ll see!

Ok, guess that’s it for now. I need to get over Jim. Plus, today I found out he won’t be around for my birthday, and I was instantly disappointed. Ridiculous, I am.

Fugghedaboudit!

Ok. I wrote the last post really early this morning and was possibly still drunk at the time, haha. Kim is right – it seems like I’ve been losing my mind lately! But hopefully I’ve wisened up now. I’ve decided really to just let them be in that tangled mess – I am SO NOT touching that with a 10-foot pole.

I’m going to focus on my career, on building a team and my long term goals, and forget about the rest. I’ll have fun when I’m not working, and just chill the eff out. I don’t want to worry about this kind of crap anymore – I mean honestly, who needs this? No one. Let them have their mess, eventually I’ll meet the one I’m supposed to be with and it’ll all work out somehow, but I’m not going to stress about it now.

Fingers crossed!!

The Other Woman

Last night I found out who the other girl Jim’s dating is. We were all out at this club and everyone was a bit drunk, and he was standing off to the side when I came back from the bathroom so I went up to him and we’d been kinda grabbing each other when we’d pass (but subtly, which was easy to do since it was dark) throughout the night, and I think we did it again when I approached him, because the first thing he did was call me trouble, with that same smile like the first time. Then he said, “It’s dangerous, I’m too much drama” So I looked at him and said, “Do I know her?” and he somehow gave me an affirmative but I can’t remember if it was in words or a gesture, so then I guessed who it was and I was right again.

She’s the one person in the office that is responsible for me. My go to person, the person that I turn to when I have problems with things, that I call when I need help. And she’s the one whose role is to look out specifically for me, to make sure I get help when I need it, to help me through the program too. To put it mildly, we’re close in the work place.

She also has been dating her high school boyfriend since high school, and they’re currently in a long distance. I don’t know what’s going on there because we don’t really talk about that. I sensed there were problems though a few weeks ago when someone else asked her where she was going to open her office, and named the city that her bf currently lives in, and she just kinda shrugged.

I was so horrified when Jim admitted it was her that I just said, “I have to leave.” and walked out. I collapsed across the street, sitting on the sidewalk and just sobbing, because I was so upset. I was just so disappointed. It was easier when I thought it was just some random girl, but she’s not random at all. And it’s SO MUCH DRAMA. He was right. I need to just back off, leave him (and their whole thing) alone.

I’ve resolved now to just focus on work, screw the love life. I’m gonna work on getting promoted as quickly as I can, ignore any drama that may occur in the office, and just do my thing.

So much easier said than done.

I hereby confess:

that I want to date Jim properly. I feel like so far i didnt want to admit it even to myself, because i know it’s futile. I want to do the sports thing (he decided yesterday that I’m his new pet project to teach me about sports and watch games together on tv and actually in person…), the movie thing, drinking, hanging out, and of course the really hot sex. But I shouldn’t want that if it’s so obvious he can’t give that to me. I guess it’s a theme, wanting what we can’t have…(him possibly on 2 accounts, what with that other girl…)

I just have a good time with him. I like laughing with him/at him, the teasing and flirting, trading jokes, the affection that comes out every once in a while. This is all even without the sex! Plus I like that he reads, and appreciates photography, perhaps even does some photography. And I like his arms. Argh. Why am I being such a girl about all of this?? I hate being such a girl!!

I run my eyes over his face at work and feel like I’m being naughty somehow, drinking in his features and wishing I could touch his face with my fingers instead of merely look him over, like that Sunday morning last week. And I have to be careful so he doesn’t notice, and so that the whole office doesn’t notice.

I would like to hold hands in the park, or while walking around the city. I’d like to look into his eyes in the morning and see them staring right at me. I’d like his hands running over my skin as he murmurs about how soft it is, again. I’d like to keep seeing his soft side and his ‘outside’ side, and figure out the balance.

I can’t get to know him more because I feel like I’d only like him more, like with the photography thing. I mean, who knew, seriously?

I have to stop. I even know this isn’t going anywhere, that if I get any deeper I’m only gonna get hurt. Stop.