Oh, dear…

So I was talking to Amy today (Jim’s woman, and also the girl I’m closest to at work) and telling her all about Jay (she already knew), and all my insecurities about it and how stupid I felt about everything, and she laughed and was like, “C, don’t you realize that it’s more Jay following you around? He’s always around you, and always comes to you!” Then she told me about how in the morning meetings, whenever I’m talking to someone and helping them practice, Jay always comes up to me and starts ‘helping’ me out, and she said her and Jim (who are careful to stay at opposite ends of the room) would look at each other and smile and roll their eyes (b/c obviously if something’s going on, Jay should stay away from me at the office…but he’s new at this! haha). It made me smile to think about that because then I did realize that it’s always him who’s coming after me.

She also said that everything I was telling her is exactly what happened when her and Jim first started hooking up, and now they hang out all the time. She said after her and her bf broke up, suddenly it’s gotten more serious with Jim (well first of all, I guess that’d be because she isn’t seeing anyone else!). She also gave me a brief history of them together, which was interesting, and kinda sweet (but complicated sounding!).

Anyway. Jay’s away on a business trip again this week, and I’m going on one with Amy next week, and Amy, Jim, and a few other guys and myself may go away for the weekend to Amy’s house (her parents will be away), and I think she’s going to invite Jay too (that’s actually how the whole conversation started). I don’t expect him to actually come, but I’m still gonna go because I know I’ll have a lot of fun regardless!

I hate my stupid love life.

It’s totally retarded. Why is it so frickin hard for me to find something…easy? I thought it might be with Jay, but he is so random I can’t tell what’s going on with him. When we started whatever this thing is, we’d be texting every single day (he’d initiate it!) until we said good night at the end of the day. Now? Well, he left me really funny voicemails on Friday during the day randomly, which were funny and made me love him a little bit (it was a perfect reminder of why I liked him to begin with), and yeah we did have that Friday night, but after that, nothing. He went home Saturday, which I only knew because he told me before, and because his roommate told me when I saw him, and nothing.

I’m so sick of this. I feel like he’s only hanging out with me whenever it’s convenient, like when we all hang out together as a group after work or whatever. I’m no longer going to make it easy for him to hang out with me (well, after my Halloween party this Saturday, but I’m not going to do anything special like invite him over early or anything), and if he wants to he’ll have to make plans with me. Speaking of plans, he also never talks about hanging out anymore. Why is it so hard to find someone who will just frickin sit on the couch and watch a movie with me or something? Seriously.

I need to let this one go, I think. Another one.

I’m so sick of my stupid love life. I’m so ready for something easy and natural and fun and passionate but still stable. What is it going to take??

Friday Night

Before Friday was Thursday. Thursday night I was walking Jay out of the bar we were at with all our work people, and he brought up what was going on between us. Sadly we came to no conclusions, but I did tell him I liked him a lot (he made fun of me! Asshole. haha) and he said that his roommate (who I mentioned in the previous post, and who shall from now on be known as Ryan) talked to him when they were on their business trip the week before.

Ryan basically asked him what was going on, whether we were just hooking up or what, and then apparently said, “You better not hurt her.” When I heard that I was like “Awwww!!! I love Ryan!!!” haha He’s such a sweetheart. But Jay said it wasn’t just that, that we do actually have a connection, but he still seemed confused. He also mentioned that his last relationship screwed him up pretty badly, and that he doesn’t know what he really wants right now because when he got the job he was just excited to start a career and focus on work and establishing his career before getting into a relationship. “But…then you came along and dammit you’re too cute!” He just seems kind of confused, and I don’t think he trusts himself to know how to balance work with a relationship, since he also mentioned that he used to always put his relationships before everything else. Unfortunately we ran out of time to talk properly, but he asked what I wanted, and I just said “Maybe we should hang out sometime…” since we still have yet to hang out just the two of us!!

So on to Friday. Friday was fun. First, in the office, I had to do a bunch of copies and every time I was doing something someone else would come up to me to ask me to do something else. Jay noticed at least twice, and offered to take over whatever it was that I was doing so I could go do whatever that other person asked me, which was really sweet! I didn’t even get a chance to really thank him since it was really hectic in the office, but I did appreciate it nonetheless.

I had plans to go to dinner Friday night and while there I got a call from one of my coworkers saying they were all going out, and so I met up with them after for a free open bar. It was so much fun! We were all dancing, and Jay is a good dancer and we all got drunk and had fun, laughing and everyone had paired up (everyone knows about everyone else now, at least among the people who have been there for a while and have all been promoted the first time!) and Jay and I went off to another room and made out for a bit…yum! haha He kept trying to convince me to go back to his place, but I couldn’t since my sister was here.

Anyway. I haven’t heard from him since, unless you count the call I got when we were both at home already and I was sleeping, which I don’t. I know he went home yesterday but I feel like I always fall off the face of the earth for him whenever he goes home for the weekends!! What is up with that? Argh. I feel like we really need to sit down and talk about everything, but at the same time I don’t want to completely lay my cards on the table…sigh. I wish this game wasn’t so tricky!!

A little bit more on Jim & Jay

Last night I had my housewarming party, and everyone aside from Jay was there! (At least, everyone from work aside from Jay.) He texted me on Friday, and I didn’t hear from him at all on Saturday so I just assumed he wasn’t going to come (he’d said on Friday that he’d try to make it – doesn’t sound so promising, does it??). At the party at least 4 people asked me where Jay was, and I was like “I don’t know!” and at one point Jim leaned in to me and said in my ear, “Where’s your boyfriend?” I just said, “I don’t have a boyfriend.” and smiled at him innocently like I had no idea what he was talking about. Heehee!

Speaking of Jim, though, him and my roommate’s guy were the first to show up, right on time, and I was still swiffering the floor when they showed up. After giving me a hug Jim looked me up and down and just smiled, and I was like “what??” and he just said, “You look HOT, C.” and told me not to change outfits (I still wasn’t sure that that was what I was going to wear that night). Later he said to me, “You have to stay away from me tonight, C…because I really want to hook up with you.” I just told him to stop it and walked away, but I have to admit it definitely gave me an extra boost of confidence!

Anyway, back to Jay. He didn’t show up for my party but I did get a chance to speak to his roommate, who we also work with. They were both on the business trip together last week, and he was telling me that Jay is really into me, and that apparently I told him that I didn’t want a boyfriend right now (no idea where he got that from, because I definitely don’t say that, though he may have assumed that from other things I say sometimes…!). The roommate also told me that Jay has already mentioned me to his family, which is a really big deal because Jay is really big on family. Family is actually why he wasn’t at my party this weekend! Also, I had a mini-breakdown Wednesday evening and I called the roommate, and he told me last night that Jay was right there when I called, and afterwards kept asking if I was ok and whether he should call or text me, and it was the roommate who discouraged it and said it was way too obvious if he just called/texted right after I’d hung up with him! haha The roommate also suggested that I call him and just chat and see what’s up, so I did just that this morning.

We talked for about 20 minutes, catching up on the week and just chatting about everything, and teasing each other a little bit. Ah, I’ve missed him! It was good to hear his voice. I’m so looking forward to going to the office tomorrow morning. heehee And I love everything Jay’s roommate told me about him as well. I hope this continues on the path I want it to go and that somehow I am able to clear the whole “I don’t want a boyfriend right now” thing, though I’m not sure how I’m going to do that yet! Any suggestions?

On top of that, last night Jim’s woman finally told me about her and Jim. And right after she asked me about me and Jay – I’m pretty sure everyone knows, now. Ugh. haha (Only cause it’s still so new I don’t know what’s going on and I don’t want any added pressure or anything…) Speaking of Jim and the girl, they had a huge fight last night and I don’t know what happened, but I am SO GLAD to not be involved in that anymore, as much as Jim tries!! haha I LOVE when I made good decisions

Argh, or maybe not…?

So I mentioned that Jay is away this week on business, and while it was good seeing him Sunday at our work thing, I haven’t heard from him since. I know he’s busy getting his work performance up and all that, but I keep thinking about him and wanting him to call or text me and he hasn’t. I also know he was working late with the assistant manager tonight, but still.

This is definitely not what it was like a week and a half ago, when he’s text me every night and sometimes during the day as well. I keep making excuses for him in my head, like “Maybe he just really wants to focus on work right now…and guys can’t concentrate on more than one thing”, but then I realize I sound stupid because I’ve been working hard too but I still think about him and want to text him!

Maybe what it really is is that he just isn’t as into me as he was before. I don’t know. I also don’t know what to do when he comes back, if he acts the way he did last week (and even then I was making excuses for him, until things went back to ‘normal’ for Thursday and Friday).

Argh, I don’t know what to do! Aside from wait, I guess…have I mentioned that waiting sucks??

:)

Everything’s fine. Better than fine, in fact. Jay was weird this week I think because of work and just being tired – our business is really tough, and he’s going through some learning curves (been there!). Thursday night he was doing the same thing he did last week – standing next to me at the bar, touching my hand and my waist when no one was looking, and secretly holding my hand every once in a while. He also at one point asked me, “So when are we going to hang out? I’m tired of doing this…” and he touched my waist. I looked at him and was like, “What else would you rather be doing?” (Duh. I’m such an idiot sometimes.) He looked at me like I was an idiot and he was like, “Really?” LoL So I laughed and said, “Let me guess…what we were doing on my friend’s couch that other week?” And he smiled.

We left at the same time, and when we parted ways on the subway, he leaned in and kissed me twice, making little “mmm” noises out of satisfaction, with a smile on his face. It was actually kinda hard to kiss him just because I was smiling, and when we parted and I was walking to the subway platform I licked my lips.

Last night after work I actually had a meeting with my boss, and after discussing my progress my boss asked me to speak to Jay about his, since we both knew he’d been struggling, and my boss said, “C, I’m going to ask a favor of you to speak to Jay. I know you guys are close and I think he needs to hear it from someone else other than me.” Oops, guess he kinda picked up on something between us…

At the same time, this week I found out that the assistant manager is actually dating one of my coworkers, like a proper relationship, and they told my boss. And last night me, Jay, and two other guys were out, and one of the other guys I guess had seen me and Jay kissing (he kept sneaking kisses in when he thought no one was paying attention!) and he just came over and was like, “Guys, it’s totally fine for you guys to date, just stay away from each other at the office. It happens all the time – our job is so freaking time consuming that no one has time to meet other people!” haha And then Jay was like, “I can’t wait to be in front of [our boss] and be like, [and he kissed me on the side of my mouth, since I was sitting next to him] so what about that?” haha The little things he’s been saying just shows me that he’s not in this just to hook up, the way Jim was.

Speaking of Jim, Jay told me that that night we first made out, Jay was on the phone with me as I was walking away from the group and our boss was telling him to go home but Jim was like “hey Jay come here, I need to talk to you” and he took Jay aside and was like, “Ok go have fun” and sent him my way. I was kinda weirded out when I heard that, but the thing with Jim feels like so long ago now and it was so messed up anyway that I’m just glad I’m no longer involved.

Also, the assistant manager was telling Jay that he should tell our boss about me and him ‘when it gets serious’. And I heard this from Jay. Ah! I love all the future talk. haha

And I really like Jay. He came home with me last night and when he had to leave (he had to drive home early this morning to spend the day with his family) he kept kissing me and kept coming back to kiss me, and then was like “you’re making it really hard to leave”.

Ahhh! Well I don’t think I’ll see him tonight, but we have a conference tomorrow that everyone’s going to so I’ll see him then. Can’t wait! Yay, Jay! haha

Something weird is happening here…

Last week at our office night out, jay and I were sitting next to each other at the bar and I’d suddenly feel his hand playing with mine, fingers brushing mine where no one could see. On Friday, he was upset since he hadn’t done well the last two days, and was kind of just mad at himself and therefore not in a very good mood. When I got home i got a text from him apologizing for being a dick, but I understood so I just made a joke out of it and then he sent back a smiley face and said we should hang out some time, rather than just keep going out with the whole office for drinks. I was thinking, “yes! A date!” and everythig was good. I didn’t see him on the wknd since he was away, but he texted me all weekend.

Come Monday, everything is normal at work but when we were away from the price he didn’t text me, nor did he text me last night which is unusual since for a while we’d been texting everyday, especially at night, and always texting good night to each other. So far today I haven’t heard anything either!

I feel like somethig weird is going on, but I don’t know why happened and to be honest I’m kind of reluctant to ask. Maybe I’m blowing things out of proportion, and I’ll just look stupid that I asked, but at the same time I think I’m right and that something isn’t right. Either way I’m gonna give it until Thursday and see what happens, if anything.

God, I actually like this guy, and he really isn’t an asshole the way Jim was/is, which I knew even when I liked him! I really hope it’s just me being stupid, or something, because i would be quite disappointed if this just ended. And I really hope Jim didn’t say anything, although I don’t think he would. Sigh. Boys! Hate that I love them.

Goodbye Jim, Hello Jay!

First I’m gonna start with the asshole, Jim. Since last week there have been no more covert texting or any secret flirting or whatever with Jim, which I was fine with and actually quite relieved about. It’s quite clear he’s with the other girl, at least from his side, and I’d rather that they be together than whatever was going on between me and him.

Last night was the first night I hung out with him (with other people) in a long time, and it was totally normal. I talked to everyone, laughed with everyone, and flirted with Jay (haha). But then of course Jim has to go and be an asshole and I forget why now, but when we were all still drinking he just said, “I’m so over you C” and I was like “whatever, I’m over you!”. Of course, no one else knew there was ever anything between us, but I was mad that he’d just said that – what the fuck? Why be such an asshole about it? And then he texted me and was like “Stop hating me”. I went with my usual “I don’t know what you’re talking about” and he just said “you replaced me lol” like it’s some big joke. WTF? I just said “you’re an asshole” and he was like “what!! it’s true” or something and I just said “whatever, now you get to have what you want” and he played dumb so I just said “Doesn’t matter” and then he just congratulated me on a good week at work and told me to have a good night (at that point I’d already left). I’m still annoyed, and I don’t even know if I want to be friends with him because I kinda hate him at this point. (Though not professionally, just personally. I definitely value him as a colleague because he’s good at what he does!)

Better news: Jay and I totally made out last night. LOL It was kinda inevitable I think – and because he’s such a gentleman about everything, this whole week we’d just been texting, kinda flirting a little bit, but lots of joking around, and yesterday we were all in the elevator at my boss’s apartment (there was like 7 of us, and I was the only girl. lol) and Jay was kinda squeezed in next to me and he lightly touched my hand and then kinda held it for a second, then we let go. Ah! When I left the group I was walking back to my friend’s apartment and he called me to catch up – I actually invited him over earlier to hang out for a bit but for some reason or another I left first. He caught up to me and no one was home and I just put the TV on and opened a bottle of wine, and I was sitting on the floor eating and he was sitting on the couch to left of me and he rubbed my back a bit and I think at one point he kissed the top of my head.

I moved back up to the couch and sat next to him, and then suddenly we were just kissing. Ah, kissing is so fun! And it’s so fun kissing him. He is such a cutie! I think we made out for like half an hour until my friend came home (luckily he heard her, so I got off his lap – he had pulled me into it at some point into the makeout sesh! LOL), then he had to go and catch the train home and he texted me a bit and we chatted for a couple minutes on the phone though I’m not really sure what about since at that point I was really sleepy and kinda drunk. LOL

I like him a lot. And I’ve never dated a younger guy before – did I mention he’s 2 years younger than me? haha We’ll see how this goes – but I’m excited because he’s moving closer to the city tomorrow, so we’ll definitely be seeing each other a lot more….:)

So fed up

Jim got back from the business trip Friday, and he texted me Saturday afternoon, asking if I missed him. I kinda dodged the question and just asked how the BT was, and he replied then asked what I was up to. I just congratulated him on a successful trip and left it at that. He then sent me a photo of one of the places we hooked up at, but my phone wasn’t working so I couldn’t access it for a couple hours, during which he sent another text saying, “Guess not”. When I saw the photo, his caption was “Look familiar?” So I just said said “Well not really, since I’d never seen it in daylight or sober.” Then he had the nerve to go, “hahaha it’s our little love cove!” Riiight.

I’m so over this BS. This week I’m gonna take control and ask him to meet me after work and tell him to cut it out, because I also knew he was spending Saturday with the other girl (my other coworker told me), maybe even while he was texting me. I need this to just stop.

On a brighter note, the other guy, let’s call him Jay, and I texted all night Friday and then last night as well. He is such a cutie. haha He flirts, but not in a sleazy way at all, but in a fun, innocent type way, which is so refreshing! haha We also already decided to go get drinks Friday night in the city. I’m excited to see him tomorrow, and I genuinely like the guy, no angst involved! It’s just fun and feels harmless and drama-free. So nice. haha Yeah the chemistry isn’t quite as insane as with Jim, but maybe that’s a good thing, since I tend to hate myself for being attracted to Jim, and really don’t hate myself for having fun with Jay!

Now on to a totally different note, I’ve been feeling really stressed lately and kinda down on my job. It’s not that the boys have been affecting it, but something weird is going on and I don’t know what, and my performance is definitely not up to par. I scheduled a meeting with Jim’s other girl tomorrow morning to get some advice, because I need to get better. Quitting isn’t even an option for me, and I really want to do well but I feel like I’m hitting my head against the wall. I don’t know what’s wrong with me! And it’s really stressing me out too. Argh. Hopefully we come up with a solid plan, because this really sucks. It’s totally bringing me down! And I’m not like this normally. Even if I have stupid boy drama. Fingers crossed…

Oh God.

So I went back to the office a little early today and my leader was there since she was in all day, and after we caught up a bit on our days and some work stuff, I asked how her day was and she just started looking upset and told me her and her boyfriend had just broken up today. Apparently he didn’t want to feel married at 23, and they have been together for 9 years so he doesn’t want to be so settled. I thought she’d been feeling that way too, so I mentioned something about that (she said something along those lines briefly when we were on a business trip together), but she just looked even sadder (oops) and said something about how she didn’t realize exactly what he’d been feeling.

She was so sad today after work I felt really bad for her, and at the same time I kinda wanted to text Jim to cheer her up but obviously that is not my place whatsoever, and I know that if she wanted him to know she’d just tell him. Although wouldn’t it also be kind of awkward for him to comfort her over her breakup with the other dude? Blahhh, none of my business!

Either way, this has strengthened my resolve even more to stay away from Jim, since now that she’s available if he really wants her she’s all his (assuming she wants him too). And I so don’t want to get in the middle of that. Especially since today her and I were talking about our future team (I’m her right hand, pretty much, especially since the one other person who’d been here on her team longer than me quit today – SO SAD, btw!) and I’m really excited about what’s coming up for the both of us. (She’s talking about me getting promoted SOON, around her promotion, either before or after!)

Anyway, I like her way too much to screw anything up for her, and I honestly respect her at least in work, and if her personal life is a bit of a mess, that really isn’t any of my business. But it does become my business if I stay involved with Jim while I know she is. Fingers crossed I stick to my resolve, because I really want to.

(Ps. Haven’t heard anything from the other guy yet, but I’m not worried. haha Just an fyi!)